07th, January

Get Over It

Life is full of many obstacles, and you don’t need to read a random blog to know that. There’s many aspects in our lives that cause much stress, but nothing is more deterring than obstacles we place ourselves. Hurdles that we’ve allowed to just manifest themselves, and that we can’t seem to remove or jump over. I believe these types of road blocks are tougher to get rid of, and the biggest road block I face now is doubt.

Doubt is a powerful force. One shred of doubt is potentially all you need to completely tear away the confidence in your work, and what can set you many steps back. Everyone is guilty of having some doubt, but when you let it consume you, it’s very harmful. It’s something that stops any progress you could be making in your life, and it’s something I’m dealing with now.

When I first started writing for a little known website called Sarcastic Gamer, I didn’t give it much thought. It was during my summer break, and I was really bored. It gave me something to do. I’ve always been told I write really well, but you never know if your professors actually mean it. But I was encouraged to sign up as a contributor by a close friend of mine at the time, to see the opportunities it could open for me. And that was a decision that has changed my life.

I’ve met wonderful people, even though I used to be a bit antisocial. I’ve gone to cities I didn’t think I’d ever visit. I speak to gamers around the world, gamers who actually care about what I have to say. I’ve had publishers and developers trust me with their projects and let my comments stand as a testament to their work. I’ve also faced some strife, but those were experiences that have made me a better person. I’ve learned to treat a volunteer gig like a professional job, and I’m very happy for it. What started as a small blog position has grown into something much bigger than I imagined.

However, over the course of time, something unpleasant has synched into my psyche. Despite all the people who have complimented me on my writing, despite all the comments on my posts, and despite my followers on Twitter (because Twitter followers = popularity right?) I’ve grown to dislike what I write. I’ve gone back and read my past pieces, and wondered why people ever applauded my writing.  I’ve seen the competition, and reevaluated my stance on my work. At first I took it as a means to improve myself, but somehow it’s warped into something much bigger than that.

Instead of writing to improve, I’ve stopped writing altogether.

We all love soap boxes, and I was able to get on mine from time to time for (what I believed was) a good read for visitors to enjoy. Then eventually the small seeds of doubt slowed me down, and manifested into writer’s block where I couldn’t form the words for any editorials I had ideas for. When it came to reviews, I forced myself to write because the publishers and developers who trusted me with their game deserved the article I promised them. But these reviews took too many hours to write; I couldn’t focus. I didn’t believe what I was writing did justice to the game I was covering, regardless if I liked the game or not. This doubt consumed me even when I wasn’t trying to write, because I knew this doubt is something I should be able to overcome.

This generally wouldn’t be a problem if I just blogged for fun, but somewhere down the line I realized I wanted to make journalism a profession. Which I guess is something most of us believe we can do when our articles get published anywhere online. It’s not an easy job, but it’s a job we as game enthusiasts all assume we can master. After all, who wouldn’t want to read my opinion on Modern Warfare 10 and how aliens are underrepresented in the industry (as I assume aliens will reveal themselves by the time MW10 comes out)?

Yet here I am, whining on how doubt has ruined my ambitions. I didn’t expect things to be easy, nor did I ever assume I was the best blogger to ever write for SG. But at least I had the confidence before to try. I was ready for the critiques, I was ready for the bashing comments… I was even ready for an idiot to have a tirade and push away his entire website staff. What the hell happened?

I’m not looking for pity or praise for my past work; I’m simply trying to find a solution to a personal problem by making a diary entry public. And I’m hoping this post somehow helps another person suffering from doubt-induced hurdles. How you ask? Well, just stare at your screen.

THESE ARE WORDS YOU’RE LOOKING AT.

I wrote an actual blog post, and it wasn’t a top ten list. Granted, it is easier to write a personal piece than it is to come up with a creative and interesting idea for an editorial. But this is a baby step, and I hope it’s something I can keep up to make actual game-related content. The same can be said for any baby steps you make if you’re suffering from doubt; they do make a difference.

I want to write; I like doing it. Even if I’m not able to make it into a profession like Susan Arendt or Leigh Alexander, I need to at least be confident in my own material. If I keep having doubts in this department, who knows where it might materialize next?

We’re our own worst critic. It’s about time I fix that.